Hole in My Heart
by vivaciousRingo
Summary: 'You were always worried about your little brother and every time came to my rescue. I wanted to save you this time, but in the end you saved me…again.' Luffy's and Ace's thoughts about life.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Hole in My Heart

_A/N I: I created this fic as a memorial of a plane crash on the Smolensk's airport in 2010, (Russia) where the president Lech Kaczyński died along with the elite of Polish government. May their souls rest in peace._

_A/N: II_ _Some chapters will be happy, optimistic, some sad; full of angst. Mind while reading—in my opinion only Japanese language can do Luffy's character justice. So before you judge look through dialogues how Luffy says things in English and compare to others. Because what you may find as ooc-ness, others may not. It only depends on how you see Luffy as a person. And besides, no one can get inside of his mind and read his thoughts, so focus while reading that it's maybe Luffy's subconsciousness doing the speaking. Because it'll reason and explain and Luffy's a person guided by instinct and fast understanding, so just doesn't bother with that and acts first. Have in mind that even a moment of uncertainty can be crucial—just like in Water 7 case. _

**Disclaimer:** Because no one can write Luffy in character besides his creator. Oda's.

**Chapter 1. Freedom. Chapter 2. Cry of My Soul. Chapter 3. What's Worth Living For. **

_Note: 1st chapter is a happy one. Reminds me of an interview, but even so Luffy took the whole stage. 2nd chapter is sad. About the things that make Luffy feel hopeless and powerless. 3rd chapter is Ace's reasoning that guided him through life. It's optimistic one, happy even despite the underlying tragedy. _

_Enjoy and tell me what you think about it. It'll make this Apple real happy~ *wiggles*_

* * *

Chapter 1. _Freedom._

* * *

I remember the feeling of drowning _hundreds_ of times in my life, scary jungle in the night, in the sky very high and falling into bottomless ravine. The times I was cut by knives, shoot with spikes, kicked with the force of explosive bomb behind, pierced with a hook, dried out thoroughly, spit on and laughed at, hit with impact dial, stabbed by the burning trident, a finger-shigan went through me. I felt my body being torn itself from the strain, the sickly beating of my heart on a doping, the strain of giant gear, the smell of burning rubber and flesh from flood of poison, ten years of my life-span and twenty hours of worst never-ending physical pain possible, twice the dose of adrenaline hormones, the amount of gaping; not treated wounds, the exhaustion beyond comprehension…

I can go on and on, but this is _nothing_. It's only a passing, physical pain. I had more important things on the line than worry about my own well-being. So really, don't worry about it. I don't regret! I did everything I could. Everything in my powers to protect important things to me.

Pain is nothing. It comes and goes away. Wounds heal and body is like new. The lost blood gets also reproduced and replaced. Broken bones mended and burned hair grows back again. It's also not scary. You don't know if something will happen so why fear the unseen? It's stupid. You should do what you feel like doing not what others tell you. Would I be here now if I got scared to sail because of being a hammer?

So I'm gonna do this. Become the Pirate King. You may not believe me now, but I'll show you. It's determination that many lack—to do things they want to. I'm determined enough. No—I'm just that confident I'm gonna do this. So I'm not going to use words to make you believe me, but I'll show you with my 'miracles'. That's what people call it. I call it obvious. When I say I'll do something I stick to my word. So why they call it with awe 'impossible'? I should laugh and say that maybe they're real idiots. Or silly in their closed-mind-ness and don't see the broader view I see. I don't care if they call me an air-head or that I'm lacking in experience. I won't let myself be hammered down! Why? 'Cause I'm a rubber, of course! Shishishi!

But—there are few things that I'm afraid of. Yeah. Even I—The Future Pirate King, have things that make skin on my back crawl.

So I don't understand why people call me stupid, not normal, _a monster_. Because I don't fear the things that most do? Because I face the danger head on with smile on my face? Because when I feel creeping behind death and her breath on my neck I laugh and welcome her?

Why?

I think _they _are the ones not normal. They fear what they can't see, stay in their houses and close themselves on the world… But—Sky Island exists! Golden Bell exists! One Piece exists too!

They laugh at me thinking they're smarter. But they didn't prove it doesn't exist so where does that confidence come from? They are the idiots. And words are useless on stupid people 'cause 'they know better'.

So I don't bother explaining. Anymore than stating the obvious is pointless waste of time and straining of voice.

Let them think what they want. And let me think what_ I_ want. I'm not trying to convince anyone. I'm just stating the truth. So why do they feel the need to reason with me? I don't need that shit. It's worthless. My boogers have more determination and knowledge than some bastards, but they don't bother to prove it to anyone so I won't too.

Everyone has a vision of the world. They call it experience…

Shark, Croc, Ear-lobes, Pigeon-guy, Leek they all tried to convince me to see the world with _their_ eyes, but every one of them was wrong at some crucial point. And from all of that the worst crime they committed, that I won't forgive, was threatening my Nakama and interrupting with our Adventure.

Superior human, two of the Shichibukai, god, secret agent…so what? _"I'm Luffy. And I'm gonna kick your ass."_

Did I lie? I beat the shit out of every single one who stood against me. What? Should I call myself a Pirate King already? I'm not a stupid egoist who proves himself by beating every one 'famous' pirate and saying at the end: "_See I beat you, so you must acknowledge I'm a Pirate King!"_ and since you lost you'd have to prove me right, yeah?

So lame…! That's not what I'm striving for!

Do you know what _fun _for me is?

It's sailing with Nakama. Having crazy adventures. Finding lost civilizations, treasures and… Dreams. Yup, dreams are fun.

Everybody in my crew has one. And every next crazier than first. _Shishishi!_

So the chase is what fun is, right? The knowledge of exploring so many interesting places and forgotten by people…

…

"_I don't want to hear where the treasure is! I don't even want to know if it exists or not! I don't know anything about it! But that's how we all set out on this journey! If the old man tells you anything here, I'll stop being a pirate! I'm not going on a boring Adventure!"_

"_Can you do it…? What the Grand Line has in store for you is beyond your imagination! Your enemies will be strong. Can you control this wild sea!"_

"_I don't want to control it. The Pirate King is just the freest man on the sea!"_

…

Do you see it now? Did I convince you? _Shishishi!_ Then let's go on an Adventure~!

* * *

Chapter 2. _Cry of My Soul._

* * *

The things that make _me_ weak….

Seeing my nakama hurt and the brief moment before I find the means to help… Her pain, tears, blood becomes mine and changes into bone deep anger that only rightful punishment can quench. No one makes my navigator cry and get away with it. No one.

Watching from sidelines how scary fulfilling a dream can be. Not for the one doing the fulfillment but for his friend/nakama/captain _to only be able to watch_. I didn't even imagine that standing there and suppressing my feelings can be so hard. Next came worry and _cry of my soul_ if you're ok. Never have I felt _so relieved_ when you finally answered me, Zoro.

Looking at my new shipmate and seeing him struggling. Just like once I was. Over a debt. Easier is to give than being received without pay… I felt his pain like it was my own. _So much _that I felt anger and frustration over his surrender. I shook him up. _"You weren't saved so you can stupidly die now!"_ Show and repay him his sacrifice by living, Sanji!

Knowing how it's like to be called a freak and monster I can understand your fear. Disrespect of a pirate flag—a symbol of a promise—your sadness over it was enough to fuel my anger. I don't care about others limitations. Monster, human, animal, or between…who has the right to say what is right and normal and what is not? So_—"Let's go!"_

Observing your sadness, worry, burden and constant bottomless effort in finding strength to fight back. You showed me what a real leader needs to possess so that people could follow him without shame. I saw your determination and… _put my own life on the line_. Loosing few times a battle? Winning war is what counts. No point saying I won three times when your foe stands up every single damn time and weakens your resolve with his unwavering one. Sighs. At war there're deaths and sacrifices—I'm happy you learned more about the world too. Vivi.

Feeling that in life you can't always have happy moments. The weight _of the heaviest responsibility ever _and hopelessness, at the same time, while making _my friend_ hurt because of my decision… It's not a child's play, like Zoro said. We have dreams and goals. But I realized that everything has a price…

Being shamefully insecure… Lie or truth? I refuse to believe it! But…_what if?_ Robin? Finally—a huge relief. Next comes determination, conviction_, goal_. Off we go to get what was stolen. We see your tears, and finally we understand your honest motives hearing the true insecurities of your heart. _"Leave the rest to us!"_ I never disappoint!

No matter how much I struggle…there's just no hope… You were our nakama! Our home and our refuge. It's not me _the captain_ but _your_ unwavering spirit that pulled us through so many dangers. Now, even though broken, useless, _not a ship anymore_ like they had the nerve to call you – you still came and saved us in the end…I'm sorry, Merry, that we let you suffer and be hurt so much.

New nakama with his own nightmares…_"Join us Franky!"_ Yesterday's enemy is today's friend, right? _Shishishi._ _Arigatou_, you also helped us a lot. And, thank you for fixing a hole between our falling apart crew. By giving us new home. I couldn't have done this without you.

My dream come true. A musician, skeleton, and the 'afro'! _"Who was it!_?_"_ I'll beat the bastard who stole your shadow so you gotta join us! Death is not an apology! Laboon's nakama? You're one of us if you want it or not. Now we're complete! _Shishishi!_

All spaces earlier lacking now filled. But bonds you don't get under your Christmas tree. You make them yourself. Mend them when broken and harden them in constant fights, so they could stand against many obstacles.

But, sometimes even when you don't see any empty spaces, there always comes _the unpredictable._ Happiness and fulfillment changes into wail of anguish when you can't even fucking save one single friend… Like bubbles… they all mysteriously pop and disappear somewhere where you can't find them on your own.

I want them back! But wishing gets you that far.

New challenge and trial and you get to see how even the strongest have their own traumas and put on a façade in front of others.

Struggle… Desperate effort… Determination to go forward, no matter the pain and fatigue… He's my _nii-chan_! My one and only brother I have on this world!

Taste of bitter failure so close to freedom and victory… Like walls crushing violently around, leaving only rubbles and dust…

_You cry? You also had nightmares? I was your strength to live…?_ Sobs… Don't say that…! You liar! You promised….!

_You promised me!_

…

"_What, you thought I was dead?"_

"_But…!"_

"_What are you crying for? Don't just kill people whenever you feel like it, dumbass. This is a promise! I won't die no matter what! You think I could die and leave a weak little brother like you behind?"_

..

For just one… single… fleeting moment—to see you smiling at me like you always did, I'd go to the ends of _hell_ itself to gain the means to turn back time.

To see you laughing and joking without care in the world and away from thoughts about any 'demons'—I'd gladly allow ripping out my insides if it only could help…

Comparing being hundreds of times stabbed, sliced, kicked, hit, burned, torn apart, and eroded by poison… is **nothing** as the pain you gave me by leaving me…

_You ripped my heart apart with your own hands…!_

"_You said you won't die!_

_Ace…?"_

* * *

Chapter 3._ What's Worth Living For._

* * *

Was it a gut feeling, destiny or simply instinct overcoming my reasoning and guiding my body; I can't tell anymore. I just knew what I had to do and I simply did it. Never showing my back to the enemy, never backing down from a challenge, never let any doubt inside the heart, and to never regret any decisions I made in my life.

Was it worth it? Heh… every single thing that happened to me; bad or good marked my whole life and …yes, it _was_ worth it. It was worth to suffer through hunger sometimes in Trash Mountain to actually realize how precious the food is. It was worth it to fight with wild, scary animals and pass through the mountain everyday to actually be at ease when you met face to face with even worse monsters that were humans themselves, and training paid off later when you needed to steal swiftly, or you'd be the one who had something stolen from.

Living with animals those real and those who hid behind layers of human skin and constant smiling faces; I knew it was safer to be among creatures guided by pure raw instinct than those with rotten, corrupted little minds. I felt _suffocated_. Every time I was alone and stood on top of the cliff I felt... a sense of freedom. Unrestricted, vast taste of something that was unattainable for me _yet_. But when I stepped into the walls of the Kingdom, I always prepared myself. Prepared to vent my anger on those who were about to say I have _no_ place on this world. That I shouldn't exist and it's the worst sin to let an offspring of the devil himself live… I felt rage, and though I never killed anyone but _in that moment_ if I wasn't stopped by upcoming guards I would have done this. I would have _smeared_ their faces on the ground and made them beg_ me_ for forgiveness and _take those words back!_

Hmph. Too bad they never made it to the point where they could still talk when I was half way done with them.

Was I a rebel? That's a wrong use of the word in my case. It wasn't my intention to stand against any power though it wasn't also in my character to bend my neck to anyone's wishes. I simply wanted to live. Wanted others to acknowledge that I _still_ have here a place to be. To _exist._

Father executed as a worst criminal on the whole world. Mother suffered for _months_ to let the son of that man live. Though no, I shouldn't think like that. She did it _for me_. It was her sacrifice to allow me to experience what life is like. Life which I wasn't granted to have. By the whole present power ruling the seas and lands – World Government. Still not even born, but having the death sentence put on my head. Like something _filthy_. Not even worth to be granted few years as a child to live. Monster. Devil. Threat to the World…

That's why I searched. For something that would make me feel; "I need to live!" Till then I lived to spite them all. They wanted me dead? So I did the opposite. I _lived_! I _survived_… And no matter how tough it was sometimes I wanted to see what my mother wished to show me. And then…I found it. The spark that made me feel it finally. The only person who said would be troubled if I die. That was it. That was what made me feel both thrilled and on the verge of crying like a baby from the first kind words I've been granted…ever.

…

_"…So if I'm with you, then it doesn't hurt … and if I'm gone… It'd be a problem for you, huh?"_

_"Yup."_

_"What if Roger had a kid? Gahahaha! That would be a big problem, alright! He'd be someone allowed neither to be born nor to live! A "Demon"!"_

_"You want me to live…?"_

_"?..!..Of course!"_

…

Someone would _weep_ for me if I died! Someone _wouldn't survive_ if I wasn't there to take care of him! That someone was…Luffy. Oblivious, honest, cry-baby, dense, persistent and loyal to the point of getting hit until sunset by a real pirate who was wearing gloves with spikes on top. I never met someone like that before. He was like a gem; shining and pure, in the whole stinking mud full of shit of depraved people. He made it all... seem worth it.

With him and Sabo around we decided on our path. On the cliff each one of us made a vow. To accomplish our dreams and most of all to reach the freedom we always dreamed about and that was out of our grasp because of our inexperience and young age.

…

_"I'm gonna become a pirate and win, win, do nothing but win until I get the best "reputation" there is! Then that, and only that, will be the proof that I lived!_

_Regardless of if those bastards out there in the world don't acknowledge my existence, no matter how much they hate me! I'm gonna become a "Great Pirate" and stare back at them!_

_I won't run from anyone! No fear, anything goes! I'm going to teach my name to the world!"_

…

Those were my words. Even our dreams were as big as our personalities, heh. But even so the greatest dream had Luffy; to walk in Roger's footsteps. Though not quite right, because he was_ Luffy_ and the things he did were never something he let someone dictate him. And no matter how ridiculous that sounded when he screamed to all on that cliff; he is gonna be the King of the Pirates - with more time spent with him I could see it; the potential he had that others lacked. And he _is_ my little brother too so it should be obvious one day he is going to become big, or even greater than me. Though until then there's going to be a long way for the little cry-baby to go until he reaches it, but he has what it takes to accomplish it. And his charisma is even more endearing than my own, making him so well-liked though he doesn't try at all.

And no matter for how _long_ we won't see each other, how many miles will separate us or in what kind of new shit the wicked fate will decide to throw us – we will pull through, our bond won't shatter and if the other would need help then the brother would come, right Lu?

Though I sure as hell won't need it from you, _baka._

…

_"No matter what we do or where we are, there bonds will never break! And so from this day, we are brothers!"_

_"Yeah!"_

…


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 4.** _Memories of struggle._

* * *

_Part 1. Nami. _

* * *

I remember the look in your eyes when you smiled coldly and said you killed one of the nakama. You had to pretend; to keep your promise and get back what was stolen. Your indifference, hard gaze, well-hidden worry and anger at our minding in your business. So many mixed signals. I had to distance myself from it. So I said _"I'm gonna sleep"_ while in the middle of the road.

You shouted then at us that we'll die and you didn't care. But you _showed_ you care. My goal was to find a navigator and I found one. So don't bother with shooing us off of this island because the only thing I care about in this village is one person there, one nakama who doesn't seem to get that she is one of us already, so knowing it'll work itself out somehow I took a break.

I saw you struggling. I didn't need to hear your story 'cause past it's not what's important, but the here-and-now and the future we can create together. I'm not like any other pirate; like you got to know now, and you know I won't listen to anybody _so don't bother_.

I saw you running frantically and strongly shaken up by something. I wanted to ask if you need any help, but you only shook me up viciously, screamed _it's none of my business_ and to _get the hell away from the village_. You were mean; I just wanted to ask something, there was no need to get so angry_. Boo._

Next time I saw you; there wasn't a strong woman before me. There was a lost child whose parents abandoned her. For you the villagers were your family and they preferred to die than let you suffer anymore.

I won't ever forget with how much hate you screamed his name. With how much passion, loathing and detest you worded it. And the tears of pure uncovered finally feelings were smearing your face, falling freely on your cheeks. Each stab with the knife on your tattoo punctuated by the venomous name of the pirate who robbed you of your dreams had so much _hopelessness _and_ hatred_ behind. I stopped you. Only to hear more of your words about minding my own business. I told you—_I don't know anything and I don't care_. I waited. I waited for the right words to finally pass through your, bruised and torn from biting, lips.

And you finally said it. _"Luffy…help me…"_

As your nakama and as your captain I wished for you to rely on me. "_Surely. I'll help you!"_ I screamed to heavens making a vow for all to hear. I put my treasure on you. So you could feel the safety and protection behind. And to share a burden. With us all.

_"Don't you dare make my navigator cry!"_ I stated by punctuating it with a rock-crumbling punch to the one who made you feel that way.

All four of us went to give the righteous judgment. And we _did _give it. With few missteps along the way, but each of us made it and beat the fish-faces.

_"Nami! You are **my** nakama!"_

Arlong Park crumbled, along with the room that you never wanted to stay in. I destroyed it all. And I made a promise to never make you cry and sad ever again. I always stick to my promises.

You know that.

* * *

_Part 2. Vivi._

* * *

I remember a girl, who even though being born as a princess; she went through lots of hardships for her country. She spent two years far away from her homeland and went to enemy's hidden organization to uncover the evil mastermind who was putting the blame for lack of rain on her father; King Cobra. You were a pacifist who believed that by _talking_ you can stop the bloodshed. World isn't as beautiful as you think, and most importantly people are only humans who when pushed over their limit, they stop trying to think reasonably and they act like their primal instinct tells them. Confusion brings distrust and anger that words alone aren't able to suppress them anymore. Bottling up over the years people blame leaders and search for others to replace them. That's why I wanted to pull the root of people's troubles.

_"So I just have to kick his ass, right?"_

You were trying hard to suppress your worry and only believed strongly in stopping the senseless violence. We realized how much you struggled to believe that your mission will bring success so that's why we went to Yuba and tried with peaceful methods to end this. We heard your sour words and anguish hiding behind each word about the inhuman Crocodile's plot to steal everything from your people; making them turn against each other because of hunger and poverty that absence of rain brought. The _pain_ of our nakama is our own. Don't try to do this alone. We started our walk with new hardened determination. Surprised? Your words didn't go unheard, Vivi.

Didn't know a desert can be this hot and water this important. We finally got to Yuba but we didn't make it in time. Rebel army went ahead and any means to reason with them were lost like a droplet in the sands of the desert. You made a promise to dried-up old man that you'll stop the rebellion. Your smiling poker face convinced him, but I felt doubt in my heart about this…

I didn't know that a single sip of water can be so precious. Thank you, old man, for giving me this liquid treasure. I'll use it wisely from now on.

_"I quit."_ I sat on the sand and refused to go anymore. Can't you see it Vivi? We lost time and our means to stop it all, before the war erupted, failed. _"I want to beat the crap out of the Crocodile!"_ Who is responsible for all of this? Stopping the people isn't going to solve it, can't you see it? What is your objective? To save everyone so they won't suffer? It's not possible, realize it! It's **war** and more than million people are involved already. Will they stop? I doubt that. And we_ are_ out-laws. They won't listen to us. So I thought it all through. What we–pirates—can do to help? Erase the very _problem_ that caused it. Only _then_ you'd be able to stop people once and for all.

Sacrifices. Pain. Death.

_"You just don't want anyone to die in this war!"_

_"That's naïve."_

_"People die."_

_"You think risking one life is enough?"_

Don't try to put your strong face in front of us. Don't _smile_ and say _everything's going to be ok_! It hurts just to _look_ at you!

_"Why don't you try risking **our** lives too? I thought we were **nakama!**"_

_"…look at you. You **are** crying. **You're** the one who wants to kill him the most! Tell me. Tell me **where **Crocodile is!"_

New decision. New goal and determination to move forward. You say you couldn't have done this without me? _"Then feed me. Once I whoop Crocodile you gotta feed me until I explode."_

We march through harsh desert, with stronger bond and greater resolution. But still the evil plot created by this pirate made us caught and with no way to escape. Hearing his master plan to destroy your country form the inside by turning people on each other was sickening and insane that someone would be this heartless and try to create something like that through the years. He built his trust and was called the 'Hero' of the country, but in reality he was a fake hero who wanted it destroyed the most. He spit on trust and laughed on dried-up old man dedication. It was his sand-storms that destroyed the old man's paradise. I'll never forgive him for it. _Never._

_"Get us outa here! If we die here… who's going to stop him!_?_"_

You say I'm conceited? _Little_ man? _"No that's you…__**You're**__ the Little One!"_

I don't fucking care if you're one of the strongest pirates. I'll still pulverize you. Just wait.

It's frustrating! _"Dammit!"_ One by one our hope disappears… Sanji! Vivi! Anger and hopelessness… Then your cry to us, to hang on and that you'll find help, gives us new strength _"Go Vivi!"_

Finally—new hope and happiness. Sanji! You're alive! _"Vivi! Good job!"_

Off we go from Croc's cage to stop the rebellion. But he stops us again. _"You guy's go ahead! I'll be fine by myself!" _I scream to you as I throw Vivi onto the running crab and take her place, grabbing the Croc's hook; prepared to do battle. Your scream, that you'll meet me in Alubarna, gives me the strength I needed. You've become strong Vivi. And you finally stopped doubting. You're really one of us with your unyielding perseverance and determination to never give up. I know how weak you are, and also how naïve in your view on the world. Yes, I agree with Croc. People like you don't know what _true _battle is. But…I know you'll not stop fighting for your country; that's why I'll stop him. I'll put my life on the line just like you…

My anger at his words to send another sand-storm on Yuba and single old man was silenced by the taste of iron in my mouth. Blood… I look down and see his large hook piercing me through front and back. I choke. Barely hearing his superior words. It's not the end! My nakama are waiting! My blood and Yuba's water pours on his arm and I squeeze it. I feel bones cracking under, but he managed to throw me off and burry into the sand…

Someone pulled me up. It's the other enemy. Miss-something. I guess she's not that bad. _"Thank you…"_ I rasp. You ask why do I fight? All _D._'s? I don't understand, but it's not what's important at the moment. _"Meat!"_ I gotta get my strength back and beat the Wani-Croc! I can't stay here! They're waiting for me! They are also fighting, that's why I'll never give up. I'll keep on looking straight ahead and challenge the Gods. If you say you're one of the 7 Gods of the Seas then I'll be _the 8th_ and deal the righteous judgment.

I never back down. Loose a battle, _so what_. Those are small missteps. The war is still going, that's why I'm going to stand up even _a thousand times_. Just to see the look on your face, every single damn time, like you saw a ghost. You don't know the potential of this country. Their pain, tears and poured blood… _You don't know anything_. And I'll make you give back what you've stolen. What? _Kingdom_. If there's not enough water then I'll use my own blood. I have enough of it to beat you and still live.

I'm not stupid. I'm gonna be the King of the Pirates. And I'm a man who's going to surpass you. For my ambition and to protect my nakama's treasure.

Laugh all you want. Pierced, buried in the sand, dried-up, and poisoned, so what? This isn't near enough to make me waver and stray from my path_. To be the best._ If you're one of the best on those seas then that's more the reason to defeat you.

Don't believe me? But I'm _always _serious.

_I'll surpass you!_

And everything you've stolen will be rebuilt with time.

"_As long as she hasn't given up… we will not stop fighting!" "You cannot defeat me!"_ No matter how bloodied, beaten up, almost loosing consciousness because of poison flowing through my veins and your degrading words about me being a weakling and not knowing the harshness of those seas_… "I will just…exceed you!"_

Vivi can you see it? …I blasted him all the way up to the sky. Do you see it? I did it. I never back down. And I never go back on my promises. Your voice can finally reach them too.

* * *

_Part 3. Robin._

* * *

I remember how you disappeared without a trace. How lost we were then when we lost not one nakama, but three… One nowhere to be found, one broken and useless, and one confused… It was _the _hardest trial we had to pass. So many insecurities…Where are you? We need you! Another one of us getting separated… Was I a bad captain? I don't think so. I was striving to be a good one to you all so you could be proud, but… too much blinded in my wish for all to stay the same…But people change. I know it so well from my experience…

But I never thought it would separate us.

I'm the Captain of this crew. And any dangers put on the people I must protect, _because of mixed feelings,_ isn't what a Captain does. Didn't I hear it so from the Ice-ossan? It was like a slap to my face: _"Lil' punk. You call yourself a captain?"_ I also doubted, was in denial and conflicted inside, but my crew comes first and I learned it with time to accept the inevitable. And maybe a bit faster than normal people… My life showed it to me. That's why I don't pass on the wise words of others just to stick with… my own.

It flashed through my mind like a broken record… The times we had fun and our first meeting. The look in his eyes is like a piercing hot trident in my heart. It iss slowly but painfully melting my heart giving out sickening stench.

Is that how we part? Is it really the end of our bond…? Was is that…_weak_…?

My fist hurt. Not like from many times I hit my enemies and felt only pressure because of my devil fruit. No…_It hurts_. I feel it tingling and burning where my fist connected with his stomach ending this…duel. I can't stop it trembling. I cry to heavens _"Stupid idiot..! THERE'S NO WAY YOU CAN DEFEAT ME!" _Anger, confusion, sadness…inevitable… dread of conviction_, "…Do whatever you want with Going Merry. We'll get a new ship… and we'll go on to the seas ahead! Goodbye… Usopp. It's been… fun."_

Anguish…and beginning of tears pricking my eyes and that will surely burn my cheeks where some of your attacks cut me. I search for my crew and their comfort. _"Heavy….!"_ My voice finally falters and cracks. Zoro's words give the support, I desperately needed; in fairness of my duty as a Captain… _"That's what a Captain is…! Don't hesitate. If you can't be decisive who can we believe in?"_

I can finally let it go…The tears I tried so hard to keep at bay…The agony of loosing a piece of my heart…I tremble, hide under my lone protection of my hat and…cry silent and sour tears… We can't go back here anymore….

New day brings more questions and doubt rather than clear answers. Assassination. Who and why? Then next comes meeting the root of our recent troubles, _"Hey! Sea-water panty guy! I'M LUFFY."_

Our fight gets interrupted by the carpenters from Galley-La. Instead they attack me blaming our Crew for the shooting. It's not true! Why would we do that? But words don't reach them. I don't want to fight with them. I don't have any reason to do that. But I can't stand it when they blame one on my nakama for the crime. I shout, _"You don't know Robin like we do so don't talk about her like that!"_

I can't prove myself right being a pirate, but they didn't even give me the means to!

In the chaos erupting being made by the sea-panty-bastard I run away with Nami and off we go to where Ice-ossan is. To hear **the truth**. I refuse to believe it! But he said so looking into my eyes…that it was Robin herself. Even so: _"I won't believe it!"_ Robin an assassin framing us? The last chance to find out the truth. In the place where assassination took place; will be our chance to catch Robin and find out the truth from her own mouth….

Going back I remember the first time I saw you, Robin. We met as enemies, but you still tried to help us along the way. Giving us the eternal pose and pulling me out of the sand-coffin where Croc buried me. You were weird. A good person and a bad at the same time. Full of contradictions. You obeyed orders, but did things on your own too. You were betrayed by the Croc in the end too… I had to repay my dept. I saved the king and you too. I should leave you because you wanna die? _Why_ should I listen to you?

You came then on our ship and said I'm responsible for you; that when you wished to die I selfishly saved you. Ok, I'll take this responsibility till the end. You say you have nowhere to go or place to return to? _Yosh,_ you can be part of my crew in that case. I know you're not as bad as other think you are. And you proved from then on to be as essential part of us as our ship. The thing with Aokiji or this time. I won't believe in your betrayal. No matter whom we have to fight against. We're strong. We'll pull through somewhat. I know it! So you should believe in us too. Because that's what _nakama_ do, right?

Your words about never meeting again - how could we be satisfied with you leaving us like that! At least tell us a reason behind it! **I'm** the Captain. And I definitely won't acknowledge your decision.

Conflicted, full of doubt, so many misunderstandings, and endless questions without answers…we couldn't beat them. We let you be taken away and even I couldn't do anything. I was _weak_… Robin! We don't know where we stand! The ground around us, since we came to this city, is like quick sand – pulling us in and we don't have the means to escape…

_Damn_, I got stuck. Moment of hesitation and doubt turned our great effort to nothing. Are they safe? I was thrown so far away and stuck between buildings and couldn't even move a finger…

It wasn't that long later when I heard _a call_. Such a powerful one, which was like a fuel put on fire to my weakened **Resolve**. I _won't_ let you die Robin! The relief that washed through my soul was greater than an Aqua Laguna. The strength, followed by unwavering resolution, which flowed in every fiber of my being, was _boundless_.

_I'll show you,_ Robin, our _real _potential. We'll make you _realize_ that sacrifice is not an option when you're part of this Crew. In our belief we make impossible possible. Often our more suicidal in itself achievements speak loudly about what we can do when in pinch. That's why we'll show you; it's not an option. Suicidal mission is ok. Because even when no one believes in us – we're still going to pull through it and survive.

That's why I always believe and keep firm view-point. I never hesitate. I follow my instinct and it always guides me well. So this time a split-step hesitation about your reasons was our down-fall. But—don't worry. We're going to take you back, so I can hear it again when you call me _"Luffy"_ instead of distant _"Captain-san"._

Now I realize with all clarity all of the missing earlier pieces. Your disappearing, separation and putting the blame on us… How could we sit tight and let ourselves be_ protected_ by you? How could we give part of our soul to the Government for a temporary survival? _Robin!_ You're a smart one. You should have known that it won't end like this. You should've known better. But even if you aren't aware of it, I'll show it to you. Mugiwaras don't back down, or bow before _no one_. Even if we have to face the greatest force on this entire Grand Line!

You say there's darkness inside of you that we don't know of and you faced the darkness of the world on your own through twenty years. That you fear for us and we'll next abandon you when you'll become too much of a burden…That you're the most scared of it…and you want to die now instead later when faced with your fear coming true…

Robin! It's the Captain's duty to protect his shipmates. My nakama. If you say we'll ever be at point having to choose between _your_ life and _ours_ then it'll only speak about _my incompetence_ as a person who you should rely on. And you know what? I'm a voice of reason for myself, or reckless stupidity like Nami often says, but _that's beside the point_. I'm not scared of waiting for next challenges and bone chilling, for other people, adventures. I'm excited about them! The unknown and the means to explore it. Every challenge I'm going to meet head on. And I can't do this without my nakama beside me…

_"Because I can't do anything, others have to help me, you idiot. How can I know how to use swords? I don't know anything about navigation! I can't cook! I've never lied to anyone! I'm sure that if no one helps me, I can't survive!"_

What can I do then? "I can defeat you." Just simple as that. And that's why my Crew believes in me and follows on this crazy Adventure to accomplish our dreams.

And you're part of us. We won't be complete without you. That's why don't worry anymore. If I need to wager a **War against All**, then I'll do it, dammit! And so you could see clearly that those are not empty thoughts; I'll show you, "_SogeKing. Make that flag… burst into flames."_

The Enemy of our nakama is our worst Enemy.

You have _no_ idea what we're capable of doing so answering the idiot's doubt in our sanity having the World against us, I'll say it only once so listen closely, **"THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT WE'RE ASKING FOR!"**

And now the final act; without the confirmation which, we won't have the strength to do what we came here for, _"Robin! I still haven't heard it from your mouth! __**SAY YOU WANT TO LIVE!**__"_

Such a strong and intelligent woman who never showed so openly worry about our safety, now shaking, crying and screaming to us your honest and heart-warming feelings, _"I WANT TO LIVE! TAKE ME OUT TO THE SEA WITH YOU!"_

I'm gonna be The Pirate King, so something _as trivial_ as destroying all the impenetrable, unbeatable, and impossible along the way is… easy and even _necessary_ to be able to do. For my nakama I evolved my techniques and thanks to that I'll be able to protect you all_, a little bit longer. Shishi. _

Pain suffered along the way is just a reminder of what is worth protecting.

"_Everyone! Thank you."_

_"Don't worry about it! Shishishi."_

Burning down the flag of the World Government. What are you saying Franky? We were only getting back our nakama that was taken away from us. As simple as that. _"Just leave the rest to us!" _I promised it to you, Robin, and we - Mugiwaras never go back on our words.

* * *

…


	3. Chapter 3

_Note: Ace's reflection about life, last moments in Luffy's arms. *sobs*_

* * *

Chapter 5. _Lovin' You._

* * *

For the things I put you through I'd say sorry. For not being able to do the things you wanted us together to do I'd say sorry. For leaving you so soon I'd say sorry… _if I only could._ For screaming at you, saying you're weakling, not my nakama, I'm _so_ sorry… to take it back; I wish I could. Leaving you... was the last thought on mind and just like so many, I guess it was just my time.

In the last minutes of my life I thought about you. I thought about my Pops, family and… Dadan. Yes, I even thought about someone like her. But little brother, I can imagine how this must be for you. Because I _see_ you, when you are alone. And when nobody else does. I don't want you to feel so much pain. There's really no one to blame. Tell Gramps to stop grieving I see his pain as well… I know he wants to save me with all his heart and prays strongly for some miracle to happen and save me in his stand.

I almost didn't make it in time… But, ironically, you saved me and I had a second chance. And the Lord heard my prayer…I jumped and did the thing you were always happy to receive. I saved you… So why the shocked face? Why the unusual to you panic I hear in your voice? My life wasn't taking instance I had time to repent… For the sin I committed by being born to this world. I asked the Lord to wash my sins and show me a better way… He opened up new doors for me; I was basked in the warmth of your smile and new goals to accomplish.

_Life without regrets!_ And here is where I stay. So tell everyone who doubted me that I made it anyway. You scream "Liar!", but I really didn't have any regrets! Not the ones regarding my earlier or present life… But now I wonder fondly. Yes, I do have one thing I regret. It's not about my life as much as the future of yours. Becoming the Pirate King! I know you can do it! You're _my_ little brother!

Pirates' life is adventurous, fast, fun, but _short._ Only the strongest like the damned Roger or Pops live longer to see at least the first of silver hair on their heads. But I wasn't gifted with as much luck and probably strength as them. My life was doomed from the very beginning. My name. Ace. Its origin comes from the card: Ace of Spades. It's a death card. I childishly altered it. To somewhat; lessen its meaning. I went and made my first tattoo on the left arm. Asce. You'd normally read, but the letter 's' is crossed with an 'x'.

Normally people laugh that a drunkard did it or I was too intoxicated to spell my name and that's why the mistake in my permanent marking. When people ask I laugh and go along with their theories about the origins of this 'unique' writing. There wasn't any mistake involved or anyone drunk. …maybe a little bit …But the guy was only after a shot or two and the writing is artistic and even, so it's not the case. Mind you. It was me who wanted those letters written. I don't get drunk as much so I forget my name to have it engraved in my skin, baka. And most of all—It's also a memorial for the one we lost. _Sabo. _That way he'll never be forgotten.

I was born with the blood of the devil flowing in my veins and my fate was finally sealed when I was given the name of the card that symbolizes death. So no matter how stupid you may think it was; I tattooed it with a cross. Sign as to say that I won't let myself be the victim of the fate and I'd live to the fullest.

I guess you can't fool the destiny. Maybe it knows your real name like when he casts a look above your head and sees written the whole name and maybe even how much time you have left to live. Destiny or a freaking death god.

I changed my surname from 'eye catching' Gol D. to Portgas D. But I guess the guy is smarter than I thought. Or he has some freaking red eyes that can see who you really are and then you're fucked. But—I lived my live to the fullest! I left our homeland to accomplish my goal. You thought I wanted to be a pirate and sail freely the seas. It was more your dream, I mostly wanted to find the reason for being born onto this damned world!

I lived searching for it.

Before I met you I did things I wasn't proud of myself. But being hated by everyone who didn't even know me, it angered me and slowly left me devastated. I didn't meet my father, so it was natural that I wanted to know about him. But the reaction I was given when asking what people thought about him were only swears and death wishes.

Then I asked them what they would do if he had a son. …His death was a picnic compared to what they said they would do to me. So I attacked them with the intent to kill. I was a kid then, but stronger than most adults, partially because of growing up in Mt Corbo and everyday training regiment on the way to the Grey Terminal; where gathered unneeded things and unneeded people, and also probably thanks to my damned genes.

They were spared, unfortunately… I was kind of a rebel then. Even _Garp_ showed his worry in his own peculiar way by laughing and asking why am I making a ruckus in town. So I answered honestly or more like asked. _"Gramps, do you think I should really have been born?" 'That… you'll only know by living." _Was his answer. He was an airhead, but when serious he spoke wisely. I guess it's a trait in all those with the surname Monkey.

I was grateful for not being treated like a kid and having said to some patronizing or sugary things, that my parents wanted me to or life is precious, and so on. Only those who have a good and easy life spout such bullshit. If they had different experiences, like more hardships their point of view on world would differ.

I'm not saying life isn't important! I just want to say honestly even only once that _I'm glad I was born!_

Meeting you was like seeing first ray of light after long days of heavy and cold rain… I felt happiness, love, annoyance, competitiveness, playfulness, fun…With you around life was different and I changed. _You _changed me. You extinguished my anger to the world and made me feel _needed._ I hated everyone then, didn't bother even to talk with Dadan or other mountain bandits. I remember our first meeting. I saw you and thought "_what a weakling"_. I spit on you with disdain to judge your reaction and seeing anger but oblivious look as to who did it; assured me that you're an idiot like your Gramps often behaved as.

I even put you through three month long survival game on the path where no human could cross. And then was the thing with our stolen treasure. As annoying and persistent as you were – I didn't think that you would survive the times I thrown you to the bottom of the valley, into the waterfall were you almost drowned, when I tried to burry you under the rock-avalanche; no matter how many times I tried to kill you off or was hoping that wild humongous animals will do the job for me – you always managed to survive. No matter how beaten up, bloodied, dead-tired; you still persistently came after me so we could be friends. And then you came to mine and Sabo's hideout and heard about our plans to gather money and buy a pirate ship. It was then when the BlueJam pirates kidnapped your stupid ass that we were involved in this whole mess that changed our relationship… It was also a first for me that I felt I have something to accomplish. Didn't think someone would cry after me. Then I saw you crying so much thinking I was dead after being in a fight in the town… It erupted because I heard only more death threats being sent under the contemplation about existence of Roger's son.

I made a promise to you then. I whacked you on the head first for thinking even for a moment that I lost to some weak bastards. I said I'd never die. It was impossible from the beginning, but you made sometimes impossible possible surprising me, so I thought you'd understand. I told you_—"Like hell I'd die and leave my weak little brother all on his own!" _You smiled then through tears and snot smearing your face and asked me _"Really?"_ I told you _"That's a promise!_" We were kids then, but neither of us lied and you understood me.

Don't know how you managed to get under my skin so soon. Differences between us were like between air and earth, but we coexisted and filled the holes the other had. I still can't forget when I told you about my origin. You had a blank face then and after blinking a couple of times and saying simply "Really? That's cool! When's dinner I'm hu~ngry!"

I was shocked to say the last.

Never have I been so surprised and kinda annoyed that maybe I was taken for a fool. So I asked "It doesn't bother you?" You answered "Why should I be? I'm going to become The King of the Pirates and find the greatest treasure One Piece and have many amazing adventures, so I gonna be even better! Shishishi!"

You ran there to steal some pre-dinner food and left me feeling amazed, bewildered, touched… Then not too long later Gramps told me about your father and I just had to laugh. I thought about how would you react and felt for the first in a long time… reassured. I thought: _I'm not alone_. I bonded quickly even closer with you from then on. Seeing you living so free and enjoying every second of your life, I wanted to live my life to the fullest! So in our place on the cliff, where we sat and watched the sea, we made a promise to live without regrets! I see you were sticking to it through your short but quickly becoming an adventurous as well as dangerous; pirate life.

I was so unbelievably happy when I saw your first amazing bounty considering our pretty weak East Blue. I couldn't help boasting to all of the Whitebeard's crew; from Pops to all captains and under them bastards. I was so proud of you and I knew you're going to make a name for yourself and somehow deep inside my heart I believed you're going to accomplish your goal.

I know why Shanks gave you his hat…Thought he didn't know you as long as I was blessed to; he saw through your honest nature and noticed a great potential sleeping inside of you. I wouldn't want any other brother than you…You gave me everything I'd ever wish to have…You were my _everything_ and I worried about you in my own wicked way.

If the bond between you and Shanks is so strong that you can not see one another thorough decades and still have burning friendship between you that no matter the odds it has the power to last till the end of the world; then our separation lasting three years and brief meetings after; speaks more loudly that any words could!

I'd give _everything_ for you and you'd do the same. I can't count how many times you'd find yourself in the middle of the chaos and trouble; mainly it being caused by your oblivious highness, but in the next minute I found myself searching for you and trying to get you outta the harms way. Not that you're easy to harm thanks to your rubber body, but still there're many stronger pirates and I couldn't stop worrying when I heard you got in trouble again. I saved your skin, but you also came and stood by my side when I was outnumbered. And I let it slide when you said it's not fair of me to hold all fun to myself.

You wouldn't burden me by saying you were worried and you knew I'd have to agree to let you fight if you wanted to have some 'fun' by fighting side by side with me. We often become quite bloodied… but not maybe as much as after our training with Gramps or survival in mountains with Curly Dadan; our too honest for her own good Mountain Tribe Boss of Dadan Family and our foster mother. If it wasn't for that we wouldn't last as much on the Grand Line, I think.

Still, no matter, you were my little brother and protecting you and worrying about you was my and Sabos's duty. It was my first really strong bond I managed to form. My life till I met you was basked in hatred, anger and wanting to destroy everyone who spoke badly about me without even them knowing. You changed my view on the world and I found myself wanting to achieve something more than darkly contemplating my existence. You were my hyperactive, constantly moving and easily grabbing attention; distraction.

After hearing how you viewed pirating and real pirates based on your idol figure; Shanks. I couldn't help it. I wanted to meet the person who made such a strong impact on you and pulled you onto this dangerous path of becoming the best of all. It was quite impossible not to recognize who Shanks really was, thought you probably didn't realize how great of a pirate he was viewed as in this _Great Pirate Era_, but I knew you didn't care about titles. If you did; me being the Roger's son would brought different reaction that awe and acceptance. To you Redhair was already _the_ Greatest Pirate.

And I didn't get disappointed. It was quite dangerous actually, going to met him; my crew thought I was crazy, but I had to. And he was exactly how you described him… Loud, liked to drink a lot, party a lot and was extremely pleased to hear news from you like from long time not seen friend and it grabbed me by my heart. Seeing his empty left side where there was supposed to be his arm spoke more of his dedication to the people he cared about than any speeches he could muster. And he was a talker! Especially after few barrels of a good sake… I never saw anyone gulping down so effortlessly such strong booze and being even able to take on most of his crew if they wanted to have a go at his intoxicated captain. And many tried. Mainly to play pranks on his captain, but probably his high tolerance for alcohol and also extremely trained senses allowed him to escape from his playful crew antics. My crew wasn't so lucky, but we separated with the best wishes even if on hangover like no other… ever.

I become known very fast throughout the seas and even asked to become a Shichibukai, but it wasn't my cup of tea. I refused them. I wanted to test myself. To take Whitebeard's head! Many wished, but they all fallen. That was the time I met Jinbei and fought him five days without any rest. It was a draw, but Whitebeard showed up and I lost to him even thought it was after I ate the fire logia devil fruit and become one of the present great threats to the marines. I lost miserably…He reached his hand and asked me to become one of his sons instead of stupidly dying. I refused and tried to kill him many times. More than hundred; someone counted actually. It was then Marco helped me realize what I was missing. He told me they call him Pops 'cause everyone of then is hated around the world and words like that make them… _happy_. It was then I decided then to bear the mark of the Whitebeard on my back and make him the Pirate King. He also accepted my existence and didn't throw me out when I told him who my father is. He laughed and said he didn't thought I would worry over something like that.

I never cared what people think about me, except about one reason. My lineage. I wondered also if my mother's sacrifice was worth the trouble to allow me to live. But I stopped when I realized it would be disrespecting her extremely painful and the greatest sacrifice one can muster. To die for the loved one… I understood what she felt after I was kneeling in your arms and on the verge of the eternal darkness swallowing me whole… I always wondered about my purpose in living, but I never dared to end my life remembering my mother's sacrifice. To think I'd so easily give it all up if it meant you'd be saved…I didn't think much when I jumped in front of the Mad Dog…I knew he could burn me but you were more important to me that any pain! You were more significant that the sacrifices made around meant to save me…And I don't regret! I said to you I'd live my life proudly so I won't want to change anything in the way I lived.

The knowledge and experience are whole different things. And… I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I leave you with the greatest burden _anyone_ could place on someone….

Though I should know the best to not give you any more things to have in debt to someone seeing how Shanks' lost arm made you feel…And I feel horrible that it's me who is giving you such a pain and horrific experience… I hope you'd forgive me my _selfishness_…! I never valued highly my life and giving it up and enabling you to live is my highest point of egoism.

Will you _ever _forgive me? I can only hope…

"_I'm sorry…! Luffy… I went and messed up your rescue…! Please forgive me…!"_

You understood world better than most and acted on your own strong sense of right and wrong. Sometimes you priorities were reversed; especially food was on the first place no matter the risk which was as much as funny as also infuriating. I love and hold dear those years I spent with you…

"…_B..But didn't you promise me? You told me there was no way you'd die, didn't you Ace…!"_

You say the things that weirdly pull at the different strings that they probably should… Remembering all those unpleasant and dark emotions that marked my whole life, before you saved me with whole your being, is surprising a little that those memories don't even hold a candle to the smallest things you did that cheered me up.

"…_I guess I did …If it wasn't for a Sabo thing… and having a little brother like you to look after…I… wouldn't even consider living…It's what everyone wanted. How could I feel any other way?"_

I never told you before about my darkest memories I harbored in my heart… Past doesn't matter but present we live in. You seemed to tell with your attitude to life and I adored this side of you! Meeting with your Nakama I could easily see in their eyes how much they already owe you, how faithful and willing to go to the ends of the world they could even for you. That kinda faith in ones captain is the same like we look at our Pops. I know you're going to be _incredible i_n the future I'm leaving you to experience and see it through. The only regret I have is that I won't be there to celebrate and look from the side lines how you finally acquire One Piece.

But—you're Luffy! _My_ little brother! And I know nothing's gonna stop you; even my death. I selfishly believe that my final words will only fuel your resolution to go on and fight for your and yours' Nakama dreams!

"…_Luffy after it's all over, please tell everyone for me….Old Man…!, Everyone…! And… Luffy… I know all my life I've been totally worthless… And I know I have this demon's blood flowing in me…but…! THANK YOU…FOR LOVING ME!"_

I love you…and I'm sorry…

"_Ace…?"_

"_Gramps… do you really think… that I should ever been born?"_

Now I finally have my answer.

Thank you…!


	4. Note

...

* * *

Hello, dear readers!

I'm dropping this note to give a heads up to all interested and who alerted that—_this fic is officially "completed"_. I went back to it, re-read, fixed some things, shifted chapters, thought about what new things I could write about, but I met a dead-end.

Right now my priority is to finish "Perfect Warrior" [One Piece] and "Love Spell" [Bleach], and sadly but the plot bunny for "Hole in My heart" died and I wasn't able to revive it, *sobs*

My time for mourning has passed, but looking through my statistics I thought about all of you who still fave, alert and read it, and realized it's rude to leave you hanging, without informing you where this fic stands.

Thank you all for giving me joy, making me feel accomplished as I was writing it, and encouraging me not to give up. I met good friends because of this fic and this is the best prize of all. …And to think I wanted to erase it just few days ago… *hides behind a wall Chopper-like* Thankfully, I reconsidered it, deciding to tweak few things and simply put a closure.

I hope you had a great time reading!^^

Till next time.

Apple~

* * *

...


End file.
